Monday, August 9, 2010

The Schwartz's vs the Indecent Exposure

Entry Warning:  To Much Information Over Share.

So Chris and I had our 6th wedding anniversary August 5th and he wanted to get away and give me a break from Sarah.  So we decided to go to Hot Springs for the putt and pamper package where Chris gets to golf and I get to do a "traditional" bath at the Arlington Bath House.  This was my first time away from Sarah, and it showed, right on my shirt, while I was sitting by the pool.  Yes, that first morning away from her I got the unmistakeable mark of the mom perfectly formed and visible from many feet away.  Great.  At least I had my Nook since I had been reading so I was able to cover it and make my walk of shame back to the room to figure something out.  I didn't plan for this, I didn't have old Bessie, or any nursing pads.  So I'm digging through the suitcase trying to figure something out when I ran across some panty liners I had to McGyver into working for me.  They did, thank goodness, because I had only packed one extra shirt and I was now wearing it.  And so I headed down to the bath house for a nice relaxing whirlpool bath and Swedish massage.

So have you ever been to Hot Springs for a traditional bath package?  I hadn't.  It should come with a warning such as: PUBLIC nudity involved.  Now before you start rolling your eyes at me thinking it's  bath Natalie what else did you expected.  I'll tell you, I expected to be shown to my tub and left alone until some timer went off and then a voice on the other side of the curtain would tell me it was time to get out.  THAT'S NOT HOW THEY DO IT!  

Nope, I was shown to my private curtained tub and then in front of Ms. Glenda told to drop my towel and hop in.  I'm clinging to my towel for dear life looking at her like "are you kidding me" while she's pulling my towel out from behind me!  AHH!  So trying to save as much dignity as possible I quickly get into the tub and tuck into myself trying to cover what little self respect I have left.  Then since this place is old and the whirlpool tubs aren't like the ones you have at home, she turns on what can old be described as a BOAT MOTOR on and leaves me to get the crap beat out of me.  Even when I use the jetted tub at home, I only turn those on for a few min if any.  So while I'm being pulverized by the boat motor I'm trying to figure out a way to lay in the tub without being beaten to death.  At one point I've got my back side crammed up against the tub while pushing with my arms against the other side to keep me there and the boat motor is attacking poor lefty who is already a little sensitive about missing Sarah.  At that point I sit up trying to figure out how to turn the motor off.  I never found it before Ms. Glenda appears unannounced and begins to scrub my with a loofa.  WHO FINDS THAT RELAXING?  I mean people really, who wants another grown person to wash you?  I'm quite capable of doing that myself.  

But anyway, after that I finally get my towel back the next two stages of the traditional bath were nice.  I got to sit in a sauna for as long as I wanted (I think I only made it 10 min before I had to come out).  And then they wrapped me up with warm towel on my back, legs, and arms and put a cool towel over my face.  That was pretty relaxing.  Then I got to take a "needle" shower which I guess was the early version of body sprayers.  It was a pipe with holes punched in it so the water would spray your body.  But did I mention this place was old?  So the water pressure was pretty low and basically the only holes the water could make it out was knee level.  Again, Ms. Glenda arrives unannounced and throws back the curtain, hello person walking by, wraps me in a sheet and sends me to my massage.  I'm ok with massages.  I know there's nudity involved but at Goulds they leave the room while you get under the sheet and you tell them when to come back in.  Nope, not here.  She strips my sheet off me and tells me to lay down then covers me with the sheet she just took from me!  

It was interesting to say the least.  Had I been forewarned I would have worn a swimsuit.  

The other cool thing was Chris and I did something we'd never done before.  (Mind out of the gutter people.)  We ordered room service.  That's always been something I wanted to do!  We got back from the little amusement park after all the restaurants had closed and so we were trying to decide about going town to the lobby bar and eating when we saw that the room service menu was the same menu, and same prices.  So we ordered in.  How fun!  Chris ordered a chicken sandwich and they brought the cutest little bottles of ketchup and mayo.  

It was nice to spend time being able to focus on each other and being away from Sarah for a little bit made me realize how much I miss her!  It was good to see her when we got back, though she didn't seem to care a lick that we were gone or that we came home.


  1. totally awkward.. glad you were able to get away tho!

  2. Thanks for the laugh of the day! Hilarious! Glad ya'll had a good time though! P.S. There is no picture of Sarah in this blog update!