Thursday, December 17, 2009

The Schwartz's vs Packing for the Hospital

So we are T-5 days to due date. Some might think packing for the hospital is a good idea. In fact, most probably would have packed weeks ago. But we aren't most people.

However, we finally got around to packing. Do you think we have everything we need?




I guess we'll just have to try packing some other time. Or you know, when we start having real contractions.

Monday, December 14, 2009

The Schwartz vs the Letter Writing Campaign

As many of you who know me well know how often I like to start letter writing campaigns. Typically these are just verbal expressions of my frustration and always end with "you suck". Now my letters are always sarcastic and witty, and once I have been insulted because it was so good that my husband thought I was reciting something I heard on the Glenn Beck program when I was going off about Michael Moore's most recent movie.

Other times my letter writing talent has been used for evil purposes such as telling off a 3rd grade teacher for giving my friend's little boy a conduct mark for popping some little girl's Miley Cyrus ballon.

However, this by far is the best letter I have EVER read. I'm not sure if it is true or not, it was sent to me in a forwarded email. It was so funny that I actually cried from laughing.

So please enjoy:
____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

This is an actual letter from an Austin woman sent to American company
Proctor and Gamble regarding their feminine products. She really gets
rolling after the first paragraph. It's PC Magazine's 2007 editors'
choice for best webmail-award-winning letter.


Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years
and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core
or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa
dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach
in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your
revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough
to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell
you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16
in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? I'm guessing you
haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I
can already feel hormonal forces violently s urging through my body.
Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed
into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife
skills.' Isn't the human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen
quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customer's
monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the
bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood
swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize
it's a tough time for most women.

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just
crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me to the
reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so
painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I
opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing,
were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.'

Are you f------ kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny
middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing
happiness, is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned
above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless
you're some kind of sick S&M freak, there will never be anything 'happy'
about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua
and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the
local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end
your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you have to slap a
moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say
something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or
'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong',

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective
immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have
chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will
certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your
brand of condescending bullshit. And that's a promise I will keep.
Always. . .

Best,
Wendi Aarons
Austin , TX

The Schwartz vs Twin Day

There is one school day that is far superior to every other school day.

Twin day. Tomi and I have been twins for three years running, and we are darn good at it!

Though, I must admit, our first year was by far the best year because our hair was a similar length. So traditionally we wear our adorable ho ho ho holiday shirt, with jeans, and black mary jane crocs.



Our second year, the shirts shrunk a little so we had to had a black undershirt. But we made that up with awesome blinking holiday socks. (Sorry, there is no picture.)

Now, this year the most epicily awesome twin day EVER! We have been planning it since I got knocked up. The holiday shirts were out because of the shrinkage issues and well, I definitely wouldn't fit it. So we went with a basic gray long sleeve shirt and jeans. Tomi borrowed a blow up world globe to make herself a preggo belly. It was hilarious! The other teachers were having to do a double take. I don't know how we'll be able to top this next year...