Thursday, December 17, 2009

The Schwartz's vs Packing for the Hospital

So we are T-5 days to due date. Some might think packing for the hospital is a good idea. In fact, most probably would have packed weeks ago. But we aren't most people.

However, we finally got around to packing. Do you think we have everything we need?

I guess we'll just have to try packing some other time. Or you know, when we start having real contractions.

Monday, December 14, 2009

The Schwartz vs the Letter Writing Campaign

As many of you who know me well know how often I like to start letter writing campaigns. Typically these are just verbal expressions of my frustration and always end with "you suck". Now my letters are always sarcastic and witty, and once I have been insulted because it was so good that my husband thought I was reciting something I heard on the Glenn Beck program when I was going off about Michael Moore's most recent movie.

Other times my letter writing talent has been used for evil purposes such as telling off a 3rd grade teacher for giving my friend's little boy a conduct mark for popping some little girl's Miley Cyrus ballon.

However, this by far is the best letter I have EVER read. I'm not sure if it is true or not, it was sent to me in a forwarded email. It was so funny that I actually cried from laughing.

So please enjoy:

This is an actual letter from an Austin woman sent to American company
Proctor and Gamble regarding their feminine products. She really gets
rolling after the first paragraph. It's PC Magazine's 2007 editors'
choice for best webmail-award-winning letter.

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years
and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core
or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa
dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach
in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your
revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough
to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell
you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16
in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? I'm guessing you
haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I
can already feel hormonal forces violently s urging through my body.
Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed
into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife
skills.' Isn't the human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen
quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customer's
monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the
bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood
swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize
it's a tough time for most women.

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just
crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me to the
reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so
painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I
opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing,
were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.'

Are you f------ kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny
middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing
happiness, is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned
above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless
you're some kind of sick S&M freak, there will never be anything 'happy'
about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua
and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the
local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end
your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you have to slap a
moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say
something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or
'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong',

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective
immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have
chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will
certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your
brand of condescending bullshit. And that's a promise I will keep.
Always. . .

Wendi Aarons
Austin , TX

The Schwartz vs Twin Day

There is one school day that is far superior to every other school day.

Twin day. Tomi and I have been twins for three years running, and we are darn good at it!

Though, I must admit, our first year was by far the best year because our hair was a similar length. So traditionally we wear our adorable ho ho ho holiday shirt, with jeans, and black mary jane crocs.

Our second year, the shirts shrunk a little so we had to had a black undershirt. But we made that up with awesome blinking holiday socks. (Sorry, there is no picture.)

Now, this year the most epicily awesome twin day EVER! We have been planning it since I got knocked up. The holiday shirts were out because of the shrinkage issues and well, I definitely wouldn't fit it. So we went with a basic gray long sleeve shirt and jeans. Tomi borrowed a blow up world globe to make herself a preggo belly. It was hilarious! The other teachers were having to do a double take. I don't know how we'll be able to top this next year...

Saturday, November 28, 2009

The Schwartz's vs Thanksgiving

This was the first year that some major travel was involved for most of the family to get together for Thanksgiving. The Smith's have slowly, but surely been migrating and freeing themselves from Memphis. 5 years ago, when Chris and I married, my parents moved to Arkansas (they say there was no plotting in the timing, but I'm not so sure about that.) Shortly thereafter Emily and David married and those two have been heading further and further east with each move. They are now in Cookeville. So it was Pete and I holding down the fort here in the Memphis area and having everyone come to us at Thanksgiving and Christmas; it just made sense. Well, Pete and his family skipped town this summer moving to Cincinnati, OH leaving just Chris and me in Memphis. (Oh, I'm sorry Chris...the Memphis area, we are technically in Atoka as he likes to point that out.)

So we all packed up and headed to Emily's for Thanksgiving since it was the most central location (about 6 hours for the parents and Pete). At first, she was afraid; she was petrified. Kept thinking she could never fit us all around inside. But we brought plenty of air mattresses and we expected to be fed. It got loud, when all the Smith's come to town. (Yeah, that should be sung to I will survive.)

There was no need to worry, everyone fit in the house and we had a blast! We're big board game players so we enjoyed Cranium; we divided up into teams by family.

Team Schwartz won!

The next day we went a played wiffle ball with some of Emily's work friends. She was quite thrilled that she brought enough family to field her own team.

It was a hair raising experience and we can't wait to get everyone together again!

Saturday, November 21, 2009

The Schwartz's vs Roller Skating

Facebook was a flurry of activity as people debated the intelligence of my desire to go roller skating Friday night. The war was also being carried out at both work fronts. Some people were decidedly against it thinking it was too dangerous. Others saw the humor in the situation and understood that I know my limits.

Sure, I'm 8 months pregnant. But remember people, I have been fortunate enough to carry on with all of my normal activities. I go to cardio circuit and step aerobics once a week and yoga twice a week so my heart can handle roller skating and my balance is fantastic. I dare say that I can hold some balance poses such as the tree and dancer longer than some non-pregnant people in the class. Plus, the rink is closed to the general public so it was about 80 kids who if I teach them, they know better than to try to kill me. It would really hurt their grades....

So I donned my spandex skate covers and headed to the Cordova Skate Center Friday night to support our school band that is trying to raise money for a trip to compete in St. Louis.

Chris was there to supervise.

Here is Chris helping Cameron into her spandex skate covers. (There were matching skirts but unfortunately they didn’t come in a size bigger than a 9 year old would wear. HOWEVER Cameron did fit one, but I promised not to post the picture of it.)

I took an entourage with me to form a protective bubble so kids couldn’t get to close.

We definitely got our jam skate on.

And at the end of the night, it wasn't the preggo who fell. It was....

The Schwartz's vs the Pink Avalanche

First, epic fail to us who were going to try to blog once a week. We are a little behind. Can I blame the baby already? Anyway, here is the post that should have gone up last Sunday.

Thank you so much to EVERYONE who came out to the fantastic shower that the Friskillo's threw for us. We had a wonderful time and were overwhelmed with gifts for Sarah. She has so many ridiculously cute pink outfits now that I will be changing her at least 3 times a day just to see her in all of them.

My mom sent my old bunny and a lion for Sarah.

Chris's mom gave us a blanket that his Great Grandma Slade made for our first baby when Chris and I first got married. She passed away a few years ago, so Chris's mom had been holding onto it for this occasion.

We are really thankful for all of our great friends and family and can't wait for Sarah to meet everyone.

The Schwartz's vs the Blog Theme

So as a homage to our favorite show, Chuck, we're going to try to name all of our blog posts as the Schwartz's vs _____________. I feel the need to explain that now because some of our blog post titles will seem a bit weird as we try to fit them into that template.

Now, if you are not a fan of Chuck, you should be. I think we really like Chuck for obvious reasons, I'm a hot blonde and Chris is a nerd. Plus our stint at Best Buy helps us pick up on the humor that is working at an electronics store.

So, we hope you continue to enjoy our blog.

Sunday, November 8, 2009

The Schwartz's vs Blogging

Hello all! (Assuming there is an "all" out there reading it. If not I'd say, "hi mom" but my parents already told me that they would not be reading my blog.)

As we prepare to expand our family in December most expectant moms go through a "nesting" phase where the get everything ready for baby. Chris and I...not so much. Instead we have done everything surrounding things to get ready for baby but not anything that is actually helpful for baby coming home.

For example, we converted our office into a guest bedroom with the help of my sister so that the back bedroom that was formally the guest bedroom could become the nursery. We bought and cut crown molding to put up in the nursery and poured over 37 different shades of white to paint it, but have yet to select a color for the nursery wall. We went out yesterday and bought Chris a new suit to bless the baby in, but haven't even begun looking for dresses for her to wear while she's being blessed. And of course, Chris ordered my new mom gift in plenty of time for it to arrive before the baby comes so he can give it to me when I first become a mom, but we didn't know it took 8 weeks for crib furniture to come in, so the actual bed she'll be sleeping in will arrive hopefully no later than 2 weeks after she's born.

Then today, Chris turns to me completely randomly while he is playing Wii sports resort and says, "can we name a blog schwartztastic". So here we are finally entering the realm of blogging so that you all (again assuming there is an audience of more than 1) can keep up with the crazy that is about to become our life.

We hope to entertain you as well as keep you informed of how chock full of awesome we are. And since this is our first attempt at blogging I'm not quite sure how updated it will be, but since I am the master at procrastination I'm sure you can check back often to find our ramblings here.

But be forewarned, in case you can't already tell. In 5th grade, Mrs. Strachen, my English teacher wrote the word "verbose" on my paper. I have yet to out grow that problem. In college, Dr. Black told me after senior seminar one day "Natalie, you sure do talk a lot but you rarely say anything of value." This also still holds true to today. So, skim, scan, ignore, just come back often...I implore!